Wishful Planning

Today, I have been consumed with my urges to clean, and plan what I might do with my parents' buildings and things. I started out this morning by watching Clean House and doing the laundry, but I can't concentrate on anything else because I keep getting sucked into organization and cleaning ideas for when I get up the courage to help my parents. Or rather, ask them if I can help.


My boyfriend made some changes while he was alone in their studio yesterday, vacuuming, cleaning off a desk and moving it for his own use, etc. My dad said he liked the desk where he put it...so far so good. But now I'm full of ideas that would cost me time, money, and effort, but I feel helpless if I don't try. I'm planning some things in advance of a few days that they might be out of town for a job. I want to make their bathroom presentable to clients that come in, right now it's scummy, outdated, smelly, and full of dirty dishes and other unnecessary items. I started trying to work on it about five years ago, my boyfriend tells me the tape is still around some of the fixtures from when I was about to paint. It's small, but I think fresh paint, resurfacing the old laminate counter top, and replacing the mirror with something framed or at least new and clean will help. I might also replace the chipboard shelves for some smooth finished or painted wood.


There's just so much to do, so much to get rid of, this is all I can think of tackling right now. Maybe if I can remind them what a clean and functional space looks and feels like, they'll be open to help in other areas of the building, and house. The reason I am starting to focus on the studio before the house, is because a big library was just built across the street, and their building is now prime property that they could and should ready for sale or rental in order to consolidate their costs and lives.


I can't help but think we got a shit deal, being born to parents with hoarding tendencies. I feel confident in my conquering unnecessary acquisition of junk, but it makes me itchy to see or think about my parents' inability to see let alone deal with their situation. If I can't sleep at night or focus at work because I am worried about them, I'm still suffering along with them. I don't know if moving or walking away will change that, but I don't know if they'll accept my help either, if I offer it. I've felt anger, sadness, embarrassment, guilt, and complacency so much so, that I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel around them, and it makes even the most casual interaction with them awkward and tense.