I'm feeling hypocritical today.
Today my boyfriend came home home, spitting fire about my parents and the condition of their business. He had anxiety attacks about not being able to walk a straight line from the front door to his desk. My father is also asking him for networking help, but is so unorganized and overwhelmed, that he won't actually accept his suggestions. When he wonders where something is, he has to search the whole building, then the vehicles, then the house, and finally, a storage unit. I had no idea he had a storage unit. What could he possibly need with a storage unit?
When my boyfriend, whom I care very much for, comes home upset, I am upset. But I know the people he is talking about are my parents. The mess and both mental and physical upset are theirs. But I've seen enough from a wider perspective to know that he shouldn't have to work in that environment. My parents don't deserve this, but they're doing it to themselves.
I am going to my hometown this Thursday, Friday, and next Monday and Tuesday. My parents will be gone all but Friday. This means there is a great risk at what I do in my parents' home and shop. I have said before, that I bounce back and forth between wanting to help, being embarrassed, feeling bad for them, and being upset to the point of wishing I could light a match. I know this is risky, and I've even re-posted great information on why rapid, uninvolved clean-outs don't work, and yet I plan on doing it. After realizing that I spent 3 hours on one room in the shop last week, and made no dent in the room, building, or multi-property hoard, I can't imagine what it's going to take.
I feel helpless, but maybe when I am actively doing something, I'll feel something different. That sounds selfish, and it is selfish, because I don't want to feel guilty once I leave. If it's appropriate, I'll treat the amount of work I get done as a gift to them. Their anniversary is in June, and I want nothing more for them, than to be together, be healthy, be clean, and be happy.
I'm only slowly coming to terms with the fact that I can clean my mother's house, but will only return later to find it worse than when I left. But I want to help. I don't want to see her live like that. My uncle is finally convincing me that she can't change and never will.
ReplyDeleteIs there a way to get your bf office space somewhere else? Or to ask them for a room or a closet that is just his? (and then put a lock on it, as some of my readers have suggested)?
Unfortunately, they are also in a position where they could sell the building, if it were cleaned out. They don't need all the space, and frankly, the space is what is hurting them, the stuff fills to fit the space, so to speak. He does have his own desk, but he's only with them about 6 hours Monday-Friday, and every time he comes back, more random things are on his desk. Every other room is full, so cleaning out might be the way to get him that semi-private space.
ReplyDeleteI'm really excited to try to make some progress, but I'll be sure to share any fall-out because of it, since a lot of us are facing this obstacle.
Yes, the stuff does fill to fit the space, unfortunately, and if you remove some, more will come back!
ReplyDeleteI think the only way my mom let us go through so much stuff was that she was somewhat on board with the idea of selling the house. But It was still a tremendous battle.
I remember one time trying to give my mom a gift by cleaning off the kitchen table and cleaning the kitchen while she was volunteering at youth church camp. I even put a nice tablecloth on and a vase with flowers. It looked so nice! But as soon as she got back, really, the instant she got back, she loaded it up with left over craft supplies that the camp craft barn was getting rid of. Those craft supplies stayed there for months or maybe even years, forming the base layer for further accumulations. I was so sad, but ah well. It is not what she wanted.
Sorry this is kind of ramble-y!
This was a big struggle for me, that after making such progress together, she was hesitant to spend the extra five minutes to clear off her front desk before going home. The hope is that, as a professional I talked to recently (blog entry forthcoming) put it, "the pain of staying the same has to be more than the pain of change."
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