Yesterday morning I met with a local professional who works with B.E.S.T. (Bio-Energetic Synchronization Technique) and professional organization. She (I'll call her T) was a lovely woman, and she took a genuine interest in my situation, even though we were at a coffee shop, off the clock. We talked for over an hour about what I'm facing with my parents, and she offered a lot of consoling for me personally, as well as tips for action.
*MAKE LISTS
If you're at all like me, lists are our best friends. More often than not, I'd rather make a list of everything I have to do, than actually do said tasks. T actually encouraged list making, especially for those who are in the middle of their mess. Sometimes it's easiest to see a light at the end of a tunnel, if the tunnel has walls, and, you know, an end! Since a lot of my mother's problems are psychological, and she hasn't pursued much in the way of nourishment in that area (i.e. therapy/counseling), lists will help focus her mind and efforts. My mom had a bad accident where she was thrown off a horse, and down a bit of a mountain. This was a few years ago, and then her mother passed in the last two years. Physically, she had therapy, but mentally she didn't, and would go between being indifferent and capable, to being self-sympathetic and a vegetable. My mother has suffered two connected and yet different kinds of pain, and yet she has only asked for help for one of them.
Back to lists. Lists will also help keep me, or anyone else helping a hoarder, out of trouble. My mother will have a focus and goal, and I will have guidelines by which I can function efficiently. For instance, rules that you make together might include
*One building/room/box at a time
*No Touching (see below)
T also suggested that when she has worked with clients, not allowing them to touch things seems to help them beak their obligation to keep everything. If I show my mother a serving spoon that was her grandmother's, her first instinct is to reach for it and hold it. If we agree early on that this is not allowed, that she has to reconcile that serving spoon as just that, she will (hopefully) be more likely to let it go. Touching, as one of our five senses, tends to add to the memories and stress that can be avoided by only seeing an object.
Another topic to cover before digging in, is the definition of trash. When I've cleaned out without my mother, trash to me was very simple, but to her, it's just as difficult to throw away an old ice cream bucket as it is to throw out the clothes on her back. Making some clearly defined explanations as to what trash is, will help the process in speed and accuracy. For example:
Trash: torn/broken down cardboard and boxes, loose heads of silk flowers, used disposable utensils/dishes, broken glass, loose screws or hardware, etc
After discussing all this with my boyfriend last night, he even suggested a journal activity for my mom take the time to envision her goal for a specific space. What needs to happen? What would she like to happen? Imagine if everything in this room was out in the yard and you get to start from scratch, what decisions do you make? Allowing my mother the time to express herself might help her realize that she is capable.
T also extended an invitation through me to my mother for her current case study. She is working with clients who have been diagnosed with OCD, ADD, or depression and also exhibit symptoms of chronic disorganization, and treats them with B.E.S.T. free of charge in exchange for her documentation and analysis of the process.
I did hear today that the rolling rack that was holding a table and a half of my mother's aunt's clothes snapped and broke today. I asked my boyfriend if she had at least been going through and throwing things out when it happened, but he said she hadn't touched it yet. My mother told me everything is back on the table, which means I wasted money buying hangers, and the fact that she didn't take advantage of it while it was up for three days, means she wasn't going to anytime soon. She now wants to just tape up the wheel that snapped, rather than get a new rack, or just sort the clothes as-is. Why didn't she just sort them as she was picking them up off the floor?!
I may be going in again tomorrow, we'll see. If I do I hope to initiate some of the more thoughtful processes this time, and set her up to be productive on her own. I am not, after all, her merry maid. T's resounding advice was that my parents have to be willing to change, that no matter how much I want to do it for them, I just can't. She had a very sobering phrase: "the pain of staying the same has to be more than the pain of change."
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