Vidoes: Randy Frost, Ph.D. Professor of Psychology, Smith College

Discouraged

I'm at one of my jobs, talking with a coworker, and the subject of future plans comes up. I mentioned my urge to consider the certification in professional organization because of my experience with my parents. He told me about his sister-in-law's situation, and I was glad to have someone to talk to who has hoarding in the family. When I confided how torn I am about staying to help my parents, and just moving on without looking back, he gave me his opinion. His advice was to leave and not regret anything, let them fill their graves with stuff and sit in it. As much as both options can be argued, the option of walking away suddenly sounds cold and heartless. When I was a baby, they didn't walk away from my dirty diaper, why should I walk away from their dirty house? There isn't so much as a single clear or easy decision in this whole situation. Everything is dependent on another decision or action. One layer must be supported by the foundation provided by another, but that can't begin until a third layer is planned out. There seems to be no good or right way to go about this, and I'm starting to wonder if I will get the courage (in time) to face my parents. Hopefully I will find some outside resources that can point me/my family in the right direction.

Garage Sailing

It's Saturday, and that means garage sales, everywhere, all day. I don't work until this evening so we're going out to take a look. Maybe I'll find a nice framed mirror for the shop bathroom, or some unexpected treasure. Now is when I have to rewind and tell myself that there is nothing out there today that I need, and just because I found some great bargain books when we went to the thrift stores last week, doesn't mean I have to find anything today. Sometimes, my shopping anxiety convinces me that I'm unsuccessful, a failure, if I don't find anything I like. I figure I'm really picky and don't deserve to have nice things. Granted, we're going to garage sales, and "used" or "well-loved" is implied. I was encouraged last night, when we watched a few documentaries that individuals close to hoarding have put online (I'll add links when I get the chance). I was able to attempt to explain how I feel when I'm shopping to my boyfriend, for, really the first time. His parents are hoarders also, but mostly since their kids started moving out; while I have grown up with it all my life. I feel better knowing that he has a better idea about it now. I don't always have issues, though. Sometimes, I can go out shopping and say no to even something someone else thinks is a valid thing to buy. Who knows, I'll take it as it comes and try to work through anything that comes up.

Psychology of Hoarding

The owner of this site has asked that I redact the direct link to their website.

Wishful Planning

Today, I have been consumed with my urges to clean, and plan what I might do with my parents' buildings and things. I started out this morning by watching Clean House and doing the laundry, but I can't concentrate on anything else because I keep getting sucked into organization and cleaning ideas for when I get up the courage to help my parents. Or rather, ask them if I can help.


My boyfriend made some changes while he was alone in their studio yesterday, vacuuming, cleaning off a desk and moving it for his own use, etc. My dad said he liked the desk where he put it...so far so good. But now I'm full of ideas that would cost me time, money, and effort, but I feel helpless if I don't try. I'm planning some things in advance of a few days that they might be out of town for a job. I want to make their bathroom presentable to clients that come in, right now it's scummy, outdated, smelly, and full of dirty dishes and other unnecessary items. I started trying to work on it about five years ago, my boyfriend tells me the tape is still around some of the fixtures from when I was about to paint. It's small, but I think fresh paint, resurfacing the old laminate counter top, and replacing the mirror with something framed or at least new and clean will help. I might also replace the chipboard shelves for some smooth finished or painted wood.


There's just so much to do, so much to get rid of, this is all I can think of tackling right now. Maybe if I can remind them what a clean and functional space looks and feels like, they'll be open to help in other areas of the building, and house. The reason I am starting to focus on the studio before the house, is because a big library was just built across the street, and their building is now prime property that they could and should ready for sale or rental in order to consolidate their costs and lives.


I can't help but think we got a shit deal, being born to parents with hoarding tendencies. I feel confident in my conquering unnecessary acquisition of junk, but it makes me itchy to see or think about my parents' inability to see let alone deal with their situation. If I can't sleep at night or focus at work because I am worried about them, I'm still suffering along with them. I don't know if moving or walking away will change that, but I don't know if they'll accept my help either, if I offer it. I've felt anger, sadness, embarrassment, guilt, and complacency so much so, that I don't even know what I'm supposed to feel around them, and it makes even the most casual interaction with them awkward and tense.